As my study abroad semester approaches, I am overwhelmed with a mix of anxiety for the massive change ahead and pure excitement for every adventure and new person I will meet throughout the next four months. My new home will be in St. Gallen, Switzerland, a beautiful little city filled with architectural gems, traditional Swiss cuisine, and students from all over the world.
When I had originally picked this university, my reasons focused on the education offered – the classes were structured through case studies and it was a highly ranked economics school. I had also learned that many of the students were international, providing a rare opportunity to develop my perspective culturally and establish worldwide friendships and connections.
My winter break was 7 weeks long, and for a compulsive thinker, the extra time fueled every worry or concerning “what if” that I was anticipating for the semester. As friends and family asked me if I was excited, my response was always the same. “Yeah… I am excited! But I’m pretty anxious about finding my people. Everyone is going to be so different. And I heard the classes were really hard, what if I don’t do well?” Ironically, the two reasons I chose the school, diversity and challenge, easily consumed my mind with negative thoughts.
It’s easy to worry, especially before such a monumental shift in one’s life. But the problem is that I almost constantly feel the weight of anxiety as my mind wanders into painful memories of past mistakes or jumps ahead to the possibility of failing in my future endeavors. This restless mindset derives from my insecurities, which are simply masking the dominant essence of fear, the basic emotion that underlies the mind-identified state of consciousness. I’d like to learn how to develop and change this compulsive thinking into a positive influence on my life.
This brings me to the reason I am writing and the reason I am studying abroad almost entirely alone in a city that doesn’t fit the typical touristy, American utopia of entertainment. I want to push myself extremely far out of my comfort zone because I know, while it is an uncomfortable process, it is the most effective way to learn about oneself. In order to change the way my mind functions in the presence of fear and anxiety, I need to learn about who I am to my core. I want to become independent, and I want to fall back in love with myself.
Over the last few years, I have become lost. From trying to fix people I was in addictive relationships with to sacrificing the most positive parts of my life for academic success, I ended this semester in a dark place. I watched friendships crumble before my eyes as I slowly began to not recognize myself. While I have done very well on paper, I can’t necessarily say the same for the personal aspects of my life. These truths have brought me to formulate a goal for myself: learn how to balance.
Why find balance while abroad? Originally, I had questioned if that was even possible being that I couldn’t do it surrounded by the same circles of people in the same city for three years. And then I realized that maybe feeling too comfortable allowed me to become paralyzed in the toxic environment I was choosing to be in and that, once again, removing myself from that comfort zone can be a catalyst for change. Not only do I want to challenge myself in school, but I also must challenge myself personally to accomplish this goal. Finding a balance in the midst of life constantly changing around me will only assist me in truly grasping the accompanying feeling and perspective.
I am currently reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, a book about mind identification and how to continuously live in the moment. The mind is extremely powerful, and I think if I can learn how to balance my perspective by keeping my mind still between the past and future, this will allow me to be present in every aspect of my life. Reclaiming consciousness of the mind can put a stop to the compulsive thinking – the key driver of many of my insecurities. The difficult part is mastering how to do that, which is what I will do throughout the next semester as I finish my book and move onto the next one. While I find happiness and beauty through people and places, knowledge through my extensive studies, and independence by living on my own, I will get to know myself again. If I know my present self, I can find that balance more easily.
I leave today. And while it is slightly terrifying to publicize my experiences and personal thoughts, I hope to shed some light on how studying abroad really does change lives. Hopefully that change for me will create a balanced mental state and perspective that generates further stability in my overall life and wellbeing. I began this first reflection by admitting my anxiety, and as I travel across the world pretending like I know what I’m doing, I will accept and transform that suffocating feeling into positive energy.
Over the next 24 hours, my mind will be racing with concerns and discomfort of navigating the unknown, but instead of allowing these thoughts to possess the entirety of my mind, I can simply observe what I am thinking and remind myself of the newfound awareness that I plan to practice in uncomfortable moments just as this travel day. While I am physically entering a new country and new life, it is truly up to me to choose to be present mentally and live in every moment as I take the first step of this incredible journey.
Fondue Me 