Picture yourself moving through life at 120 miles per hour. Your chest tightens, you lose your breath and it almost feels like you’re drowning. A complete stranger had just pushed you to do something you, without a doubt, did not feel prepared for. Time is moving too quickly, and you are absolutely paralyzed with fear.
Many of you are probably thinking, is she talking about skydiving? That sounds absolutely awful… The answer to that question is no, I’m describing how I felt last semester. I had multiple anxiety attacks throughout my time in school, trying to figure out what to do with my life and if I was capable of getting the perfect grades, internship, and approval from everyone around me.
In our finance program, we were told it would be a sprint and that we would feel absolutely lost most of the time until it was over. While I know the importance of not dwelling on the past, I bring up my struggles from last semester because through that sprint, I made a best friend that mirrored my anxiety and held my hand through the most difficult moments.
Coincidentally, Rachel and I had our first Investment Banking Superday together. We were strangers at the time, but it was comforting to go through such an intimidating interview process with a familiar face. On our way to Chicago, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. For the entire flight, I sat with my knees tucked into my chest, arms locked around them trapping all of my negative energy while my mind raced with technical questions and every rehearsed answer possible. I looked three seats over in the same aisle, and there was Rachel, knees tucked in all the way up to her chest, head down staring intently at the seat in front of her. She looked up and we made eye contact and both started laughing at how ridiculous we looked. In that moment, I knew that this girl understood me.
I was lucky enough to have befriended one of the kindest, empathetic, and most humble people I have ever met. Rachel is the type of friend that can take one look at me in the middle of class, know immediately that my entire life was in shambles and then patiently wait for me afterwards, sit me down and simply listen.
Little did I know that five months later we would be on another plane together, except this time we would be jumping out of it. Skydiving has been at the top of my bucket list for years, and when Rachel asked me if I would help her face her fear of heights by going in Switzerland, I was consumed with excitement. We had already helped each other through hell and back, and I could not pick a more perfect person to do the unimaginable with.
Skydiving was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I was in pure awe as I flew over the Alps and felt absolutely weightless. It was a kind of happiness I had never felt before. Near death experiences, like skydiving, have been described as a portal to feeling entirely present in the moment, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was truly living.
As I watched Rachel face her fear, it felt nearly as incredible as going skydiving myself because her enthusiasm and energy before and after was intoxicating. I felt inspired to do anything, especially with my partner in crime by my side. It was liberating to choose to jump this time around instead of being pushed towards the finish line. I made the conscious decision to fall through the sky and lose all control, and the resulting euphoria was indescribable.
I can confidently say that I believe we are unstoppable in this world. We can do anything we set our mind to – in our careers and our personal lives. While I kept a brave face on for Rachel and asserted that I was calm the entire time, jumping out of that plane (I went first by the way) was the most terrifying thing I have ever done, and now I know that fear has nothing on me or really anyone else for that matter. It should not take skydiving to convince us that fear is more powerful than our own will power and mind.
Throughout my entire life, I have been scared of being imperfect. As I reflected on my skydiving experience, I asked myself: Is failure as scary as jumping out of plane 13,000 feet in the air and free falling for 45 seconds? It blows my mind thinking about how I could have the most debilitating panic attacks about my life, but did not panic once before skydiving, and that put a lot into perspective for me. Life is pure imperfection, and I am not an exception to that.
Speaking of fear, I have been putting off writing recently because I often convince myself that every post needs to seem perfect. If I don’t have an inspirational quote from a book that’s currently changing my life, is there even a point? What if I sound stupid? Ironically, I was letting fear stop me from writing a blog about fear.
These last few weeks I’ve been reading a lot for my classes, and with this on my mind, I realized that the majority of the literature demonstrates the theme of fear in one way or another. In my India & its Neighbors class, I’m reading about the terrifying acts of violence in a country driven by the fear of losing religious identity. My Italian philosophy class revolves around the idea of power, which historically derives from fearing an authoritative dictatorship, whether that exists through a father or a king. In American Conservatism, I’m learning about the Red Scare and the labeling of groups by different parties in fear of losing political power.
Fear is everywhere and has always moved time and history, so how can I possibly act like I can live my life without it? The truth is that I can’t make fear go away, but I do believe I have the power to prevent it from limiting my actions and controlling my anxiety.
Coincidentally, an incredible friend of mine and mentor in many ways just wrote about her own experience skydiving (go read her blog oatsandwoes.com, it’ll change your life), comparing the fear of jumping into the unknown to the terrifying situations in life of which we have no control. She speaks to how it’s up to us do decide how to deal with those inevitable changes in our lives, and she’s right.
I can panic about being prepared enough for my internship and senior year or shrink in fear about the time slipping away with my best friends who are graduating. It’s absolutely petrifying that this is probably the last opportunity that I will have for a few years to freely explore the world and honestly avoid being an adult before the real world takes over, but I can’t let the feeling of being scared stop me from living in the present moment – from growing, learning, and feeling pure joy with the people that I love the most.
I’ve been reading and learning a lot about acceptance and resilience. As I have written before, by accepting my past and what I can control about my future, I can focus on living presently, without anxiety forcing my mind forward or backwards. By practicing resilience through habitual perseverance and an outlook that will cultivate a focus on the important things in life, I can prevent myself from being carried away by negative emotions.
I’ve been aware of my fears in life for quite some time now, but it wasn’t until my skydiving epiphany that I truly grasped how to face those horrifying moments throughout the rest of my life. When our lives seem flipped upside down and we can’t breathe, whether it’s while physically free falling through the air or in the midst of a panic attack, I know that we, as conscious individuals that can choose to be present and face our fears, are unstoppable, brave and resilient in every moment that life has to offer.
Fondue Me 