It’s 11:58 PM on an insignificant Tuesday night in February, and for the first time in years, I feel inspired enough to write again. The last time I collectively wrote out my thoughts to be read by others was May of 2018. A few months ago, I reread those posts from my time in Switzerland and felt absolutely paralyzed – the typos, the vulnerability, the rambling. Tonight, I read the posts again. Instead of feeling embarrassed, I felt pride and excitement. From the day I put down the pencil (or stopped typing) to this moment, where did that fearlessness go for two whole years?
My self-diagnosis goes as follows – I distracted myself by, once again, melting into another person and calling it love. The idea of living in the moment, the theme I had written about for months, was twisted and equated to infidelity. The idea had been tainted, and through my hunger for validation, I let it happen. Turning my life on auto pilot, I went through the motions of more than one unhealthy relationship. Before I could blink, my senior year was over. There is a toxicity that can derive from the facets of a massive state school’s social jungle and I succumbed to that, on and off, for four years.
Fast forward to September of 2019. Through the natural process of loss and with the help of time passing, I had no other option but to put a brave face on and start one of the most challenging yet rewarding jobs I could have pursued. As my flight from New York to Chicago landed on the runway, tears welled up and the brave face dissipated. With every second of reality setting in, a negative thought rushed into my mind – how am I supposed to survive in a city with only one real friend, perform perfectly under the pressure of work, and create a social life within a span of 12 hours every weekend?
I wrote a blurb in my notes in November as I processed the transition to this alien lifestyle –
“One would think my last year of college would revolve around being present and enjoying every last second, but as the imminence of graduation grew stronger, the realizations that a lot of my friendships would not last blared in my mind. Soon, a lot of us would be alone and trying to find something about our jobs and our lives that validate waking up every day and simply repeating.
This is where the unsettling feeling of stillness takes effect. There hasn’t been a true period of stasis in my life over the last few years until now. That’s not a bad thing in any sense – I’ve written plenty on how in times of discomfort, we have a greater opportunity to become our best selves. Looking at my life now, I have a routine. I admittedly no longer rely on one relationship. I’m no longer living in a trap house, and I have real responsibilities. I’m what you could call a fake adult of sorts, and everything has suddenly stopped changing.
Over the last couple weeks, I have realized that even though we are not traveling the world anymore or back at school partying every weekend, there is still a lot to live for. In retrospect, this is one of the most exciting, indicative times of our lives, and with that I’ve found peace.”
As I adjusted, I had sobering realizations, all of which were an attempt to feel comfortable with the lack of control I was feeling over my life. Believe it or not, I panic with change and in its absence.
Fall was quickly replaced by winter. I clung to what was comfortable, and hearts were broken. I met more like-minded individuals that reintroduced the essence of living in the moment to me. I was reminded of my self-worth and transformation over the years. As a result, I finally turned auto pilot off. The familiarity and passion of embracing the world – people, places, education, cultures – refueled my appetite for life and happiness. I am focusing on how to become a better person and live my best life again. I have goals of improving my physical shape, self-esteem, habits of meditation, and self-expression in a collective effort to enhance my mental health.
As I processed these jumbled thoughts, it occurred to me that my life is not that significantly different now than it was when I moved to Switzerland. I find myself in a new place with strangers facing a similar kind of intellectual challenge. It is simply my motivation and responsibility to practice the same mentality of being present and embracing the next chapter of my life, even if that entails being a fake adult of sorts.
Fondue Me 